Mid Life Crisis

It may have come a little early, but I define the last year of my life as a mid-life crisis. I have learned so much about myself, about other people, about God. I have asked myself hard questions, and for the first time in my life, I did not have easy answers. I had highs and lows as I questioned things I had not questioned before. It was a wild internal ride that I shared with very few.

I do not know if I am in the middle of it, nearing the end of it, or just starting, but the journey has been both thrilling and exhausting. It has been the best and the worst of my 44 years. All of the things that I knew to be true about me suddenly became murky. I came to conclusions that I have acted upon (major lifestyle changes in regards to diet and exercise, for example, wanting to be around for my husband and children). I have come to conclusions that I have not acted on in regards to my future as a professional. I have decided that the children we already have need our focus without adding more, which I never thought I’d say.

But I wanted to make a list of the good things that have happened so far as a result of this MLC (Mid-Life-Crisis), and this pertains to this blog because of a small verse of scripture that I read this morning, which I will get to. (trust me).

I have become a more attentive spouse, I hope, and a better parent. I have begun to focus on controlling the only thing I can control-- and that is the response to those around me. I have developed a more inquisitive mind, have learned not to be satisfied with easy answers, and have learned to look at life from the perspective of other people. I have learned to rely on voices inside my head (no, not THOSE kinds of voices) instead of people and things around me, which I had never been able to do before because I am an external processor.

I have learned to express more emotion (crying daily for months, as opposed to twice a year previously). I have become more sensitive to personality differences in my children and to respond accordingly. I learned that I have an incredible capacity and endless emotional energy which needs to be directed into good things.

Most importantly though, I have learned about God’s continual “there-ness” in my life --about how He loves me unconditionally, how He is always with me even though I cannot ever physically be in His presence, about His faithfulness, consistency, and patience. I have learned that the way that God loves me is more perfect than the way that any human being can love me, though I have had many people in my life who have loved me well.

I’m sure the list will go on as I continue to process all this...

But how it applies to this blog and the Scripture are yet to come. I have learned that though my view of God and who He is to me has changed from when I was a child to when i was a was a young adult, to now, that God has not changed. When I was a teenager and young adult, i was very zealous about my faith. I made lots of strong commitments and kept them. I was very passionate about what I believed. But as the years went by, life didn’t seem quite as able to be put in boxes as it was back then. Life became grey.

But this morning I read these words from Ezekiel 16:60 and they were so appropriate for me to read, as though God himself was getting through to me specifically at this moment.

I will remember my covenant with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish with you an everlasting covenant.

While I have been careening around the twists and turns of mid life, God has been there, waiting. He has been waiting for me to realize and remember, as He has, the covenants of my youth and to help me establish an everlasting covenant. This covenant may not be the same as the one of my youth, but it will be everlasting.

On the hardest of days, it is impossible for me to understand how people without God can cope. Knowing that I have a loving and forgiving God is the only thing that gets me through the roughest of spots.

This morning, when I was driving a couple of my sons to school, I heard this song. And as God and I begin to work on making our everlasting covenant for the latter years of my life, I want this to be my motto:

It is a song called “Empty Me” by Chris Sligh

I’ve had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood.
And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.

I've seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.

Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you, compared to you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you so why surrender all?

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Oh, filled with you.
Empty me.